In my dreams, you lay your sorrow on the table, and the air between us is soft and we have time.
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“Disability” is an umbrella term which encompasses physical disabilities, emotional/psychiatric disabilities, neurodivergence, intellectual/developmental disabilities, sensory disabilities, invisible disabilities, and more. You do not have to have an official diagnosis to consider yourself disabled.
Mask up, love one another, and stay alive for one more week.
I think I am going to stop engaging with medical treatment, apart from taking my thyroxine. It doesn’t help at all and just makes me worse. I’ve been wondering why I’ve been feeling so tired lately and falling asleep in the afternoons again, then i remembered the dumb endo lowered my thyroxine dose. She even threatened to lower it further at my next appointment. She gaslights me that this low dose isn’t really making me tired. I’ve had enough of this shit. I mean, there is no good dose, the higher dose gives me awful side effects and so does the lower dose, this will never end, but I can’t stand being this tired any more. From now on will take whatever dose of thyroxine I want and my migraine tablets and nothing else. If these new migraine tablets the neuro gives me don’t work or have side effects and she refuses to prescribe me my acute ones then I will buy the accute ones online, even if I have to make a mutual aid post about it. Luckily I have stockpiled quite a few already from my previous prescriptions though. I am cancelling my next endo appointment, I’ve cancelled my upcoming two foot surgeries.
No more. No more appointments or drugs. The doctors and the meds don’t help, the meds riddle me with side effects and the doctors gaslight me endlessly. I really just want to go to dignitas but I need to find the travel money and I don’t have the energy to organise all this. But I really feel like I’m done with all this medical shit. I’ll do the bare minimum to keep myself alive for now and absolutely no more. All appointments are being cancelled. I really only stuck most of them out this long to help with my benefit appeal, and if all the medical shit I’ve had done to me so far isn’t enough to win it, then nothing will be. I have to provide an updated letter of medical support for my appeal and all the medical crap I’ve had so far will just have to be enough. Just too exhausted to continue with this nonsense.
This is too heavy for me. I wish I could help you. All I can say is that i think you’ve done well these last past few weeks in advocating for yourself and I think you should at least keep that up. You matter for as long as you are here.
Thanks. You know what’s even more enraging? Not long ago a person on mutual aid helped me to become a member of dignitas. To become a member, you need to print out and fill in the “Declaration of Membership” form. I don’t have a printer, so I tried to print it at the local library. I was unable to, because the library has blocked dignitas’ website and won’t allow people to access it on the library computer! It’s yet another aspect of poverty - if you’re rich you probably have your own printer and can access whatever websites you want. The poorer you are the fewer choices you have in life. And what business is it of the library anyway if someone wants to go to dignitas - who made them the moral arbiter of assisted suicide prevention?
In the end I found a way around it, by writing the declaration of membership out myself. I was reminded of this today because I need to print some stuff out for my benefit appeal but don’t have the money to do it as no-one has responded to the latest mutual aid post. Even when it comes to trying to access benefits - money needed to live - I can’t do all I need to do because of lack of money. This world is fvcked up and evil. Some demiurge created this shithole to have a laugh at our expense.
I wouldn’t put it past the government to have made a blanket list of banned subjects for public institutions, which would include assisted dying. That sort of micromanagement seems very in line with the British government
I cant advise you on dignitas. But with regards to everything else, you’ve been resourceful with white lies, small deceptions and asking people directly before. I’m sure you can find someone to lean on to get a print or two. Maybe just asking the librarian directly? Surely they know the system is fucked too.
Well, until I can pay for a doctor’s letter anyway, the printing won’t be happening.
Know that you’re loved and supported, comrade. You’ve been through so much.
Thank you.
I can’t begin to understand the frustration and exhaustion you’re feeling, love. Just…
I love you
Thank you. The friends I’ve made here are literally my only comfort in life right now. I really think I’m going to actually apply to dignitas and see if they will help me. If they were being truthful when I spoke to them before about being willing to do it for free, then I maybe could get the money for travel costs. But then again I’m still struggling to get the cash to get a doctor’s note and do some printing for my benefit appeal. I have to continue with that for now in case dignitas doesn’t work out.
It might sound OTT but it feels like discrimination that I can’t access this service in the UK. People would be outraged if people weren’t allowed to do what they want with their own bodies when it comes to abortion, gender reassignment etc but I am not allowed to do what I want with my own body.