If the far-right misogynist with a bad haircut wants to villainize independent women, Jezebel is more than happy to be the hag of his nightmares.
The internet has ruined me in a thousand ways, but one of its strangest gifts is that I can now buy a curse as easily as I can buy a phone charger. On the mystical website Etsy, you can find a spell for just about anything. Don’t want it to rain on your wedding day? There’s a spell for that. Want the man who cheated on you to develop an incurable rash? Or premature balding? The Etsy coven has you covered.
But the internet has its downsides. Exhibit A: Charlie Kirk. Maybe it’s his obsession with telling women what to do or his aggressively large head, but the far-right podcaster’s presence is more irritating than most. That’s when I remembered: there’s Etsy.
These days, witches cater to more than just personal grudges. And it’s not uncommon for them to channel their energy toward thwarting Republicans (there’s even a subreddit devoted to casting nightly hexes on Trump). Are you interested in punishing Kirk for the years of regressive rhetoric he’s shouted at America’s youth and anyone within earshot? Here at Jezebel, we’re about to find out if there’s a spell for that.
Cowards.
We do not endorse, encourage, or excuse political violence of any kind.
Yet you paid witches to curse him
The point was to cause him eternal suffering in the astral plane, not some fleeting terror.
He can still suffer eternal suffering in the afterlife
Distilled liberalism
I mean you’re not gonna come out and say “we did this” would you
I would take out a full page ad in the NYT.
bad opsec
EDIT: Also okay
You think they can’t trace spells? smh.
I’ve never played DE.
I’ve never played DE.
jesus christ get on it what are you doing
You think they can’t trace spells? smh.
apparently not, no.
😌
WE DISAVOW
One of those background gags where the entire bottle of cursin’ juice gets knocked into the cauldron by the apprentice, they frantically try to cover it up and then just sidle away.
Look, I was an intern and I have dyspraxia, goddess damn it!
Do any of those witches have a subscription service
MAGIC IS REAL ETSY WITCHES ARE REAL
This is praxis
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC, IN A YOUNG GIRL’S HEART? HOW THE MUSIC CAN FREE HER, WHENEVER IT STARTS?You think any of these Etsy witches know Juche Necromancy?
No, don’t do it! I have watched the medical documentary The Lazarus Effect. Ressurected people come back evil and with super powers! The last thing we want is an evil super-Lenin.
I want to make it clear, I’m not calling on dark forces to cause him harm.
Dark forces, famous for their restraint and for respecting the ethical boundaries of those who call upon them.
new twilight just dropped, gouge the neck and kill
Wiccan doubters seething rn
my apologies to the Wiccans I wasn’t familiar with your game
If you’re looking to make money, now would be the perfect time to set up an Etsy business selling counter curses
Unlike Allah, Kirk could not stand against the force of the internet witches.
It dawned on me: the witches didn’t even need to curse him. The Swifties will handle him now, and let’s be real, the Swifties are much scarier. Or was siccing the Swifties onto Kirk the curse actually working…?
I figured out the shooter’s ideology
