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I genuinely think you dick could be played off as a joke in many cases.
Um actually will make you the most annoying person anyone knows
Wow, I’d go hard the other way. If it’s the first thing you say to a stranger “you dick” is actually dangerous, while “um, actually” is mildly rude, and if repeated even when it doesn’t make sense will be correctly clocked as the tick it is. “Um, actually, could you pass the salt?”
I know this is the reasonable answer. But I will choose to ignore it anyways.
Insert that won’t stop me because I’m blind meme.
Um, actually I want them both you dick


