For context, I’m mtf trans and polyamorous. I spent an enormous amount of effort setting up my social and partner circles to prepare for lower surgery (which I had about 10 months ago and I’ve healed well!). I knew I was going to be emotionally and physically vulnerable after surgery and wanted to have people around me I could trust especially with my new bits. The 6 months leading up to surgery 4 long term partners broke up with me, a new partner (more on them later) broke up with me, my 12 year marriage fell through, and I lost all but one friend who is long distance.
I’m taking the opportunity to leave country since it’s not like I have much anchoring me here anymore. I have conditionally been accepted to a college in Sweden but I’m going to be cutting it close enough with finances that I may get denied a residents permit.
A year ago I finally felt like I was putting down roots I felt happy and I wanted to build my life with everyone I loved. It all went away and I don’t know how to process the loss. Everyone I cared about said they didn’t want to be around me anymore. I trusted them all so deeply. I feel broken and like a failure constantly.
The new partner I had I fell in love with so hard. Our leases and year plans kinda lined up so we decided to do a classic queer trope and get an apartment together despite being exes. It’s had difficult times but largely it has worked well. They’re actually one of the best roommates I’ve ever had. But in a few months here I’ll be moving again and things are messy.
Roommate is bringing a new partner by in a few days and I’m getting flooded by everything I’ve been trying to keep boxed up. I care about them so much, I’m still wildly attracted to them, they’re the kindest person I know. I’ve been working hard to limit bringing this up because I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable in their home. The reality is though they’re the only person left I emotionally trust and I would do near anything to even be held by them for a few minutes.
I feel abandoned and alone, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to emotionally handle being in another country. I wanted surgery to be freeing for me and while it has been in a lot of ways I’m also top tier scared to physically interface with anyone now. I worked so hard to have people I trusted my body with. I’m scared of if something is wrong or if someone says something that fires off my anxiety or depression and I won’t be able to talk with them about it. At the same time I’m doing really poorly not having physical touch with anyone and I’m staring down potential years of not finding a partner while trying to study and relearning cultural norms abroad.
Dads how am I supposed to pick myself back up from this loss and fear? How do I handle going from starting to have roots and a stable domestic life to leaving the country and going back to school? And most critically what am I supposed to do with my cat while I move to a tiny unit in another country?
Hi dear, it’s dad.
I hug you really tight. I don’t know what the best course of action will be, but I’m proud of the person you are and I’m sure you’ll find the right way. I love you.
Hey kiddo, it’s Dad.
I just want to say that you’ve got this! You’re so much stronger than you realize. You are so beautiful and special. Don’t think about the people who let you down. Some of them may come back to you, some may not, but that’s on them, not you.
I wish like hell I could make all the hurt go away, but it just isn’t possible. I want to be able to protect you from all the pain in the world and make everything safe for you. It’s my job and it’s terrible that I can’t do it. However, all I can do is remind you that you are loved and you will get through this.
Also, do what the other reply said and make sure you get updated vaccination records for your cat so you can take it with you. I can’t take in another animal right now.
You are never alone, we carry those that care about us in our hearts.
You are loved and accepted for who you are.
And yes, it can be hard to be yourself some days.
But you are brave and strong enough to admit to yourself who you truly are; that means you can achieve any dream in your heart in time.
Focus not on external validation for a bit and think of all the new wonderful experiences that you can have being your self.
Life never happens on anyone’s schedule, you just have to give yourself time to feel, live and be present.
Also get a copy of your cat’s vaccination history (and make sure none are missing) if you want to take them to Sweden with you.
I love this! The last sentence after all the loving support makes it a classic mom/dad comment ❤️
No idea what it’s like to be poly, lonely or fear change but I had SRS a year ago as well and am also going through lots of changes, but for me it’s just at my job as my manager and mentor is leaving, plus I moved to a new apartment in a new city I never lived in before on my own, expensive asf too, and for the first time had to buy all the furniture and everything as the place came without. Then as if that wasn’t enough stress I started using credit cards and saving money on a down payment and studying up for an OSCP cert and planning my next career move.
It was and will remain stressful no doubt, but at the same time I welcome the future, for its joys and challenges will shape me just like the past did.
Putting down roots can be nice but it’s also what corpses do. Constant metamorphosis is life in its most energetic state when possibilities increase, including those for happiness.
Probably not what you wanted but hope it helps.
