Context:
- I just found out that the student loans I’ve been saddled with for the past 19 years were completely avoidable because my parents are wealthier than they ever let on
- Something is wrong with my boomer parents—I don’t understand their relationship with money (or life in general). I think they may be seriously mentally ill
What happened
In 2014, my girlfriend and I moved into a rental home in a big city for about $1,500/month.
She later lost her job and it became unaffordable. The stress ended our relationship.
I struggled to stay in my home for the next seven years, until I finally declared bankruptcy and moved out in 2020.
I spent at least $120,000 on my rental home through those years. All down the drain. I liquidated all $30,000 of my retirement savings to try and stay afloat.
What could have been
2014 was a low point in the housing market. There were HUNDREDS of houses available in the ~$150k range, many of them nicer than the one I rented. All I needed was ~$10k for a down payment, and I could have been paying $800 for a mortgage instead of $1,500 on rent, and all of that money spent would be retained in the form of equity even if I still had to move out. It probably would have saved my relationship too (my parents complain about not having any grandkids, BTW).
What my parents say
When I mentioned this to my parents recently, they just said “we had no idea you wanted to buy a house”. NO, I JUST LOVED PAYING MONEY TO A LAND LEECH! I never even thought to ask for help with a down payment, because we were “broke”. My dad gave us grief over every dollar we spent. We never ONCE took a family vacation.
The truth
Today, my parents have $2 million in retirement savings, and no mortgage or car payments. They live in a rural area with a rock bottom cost-of-living. In 2003, they had HALF A MILLION dollars in cash, entirely separate from their retirement plans.
Honestly, just be nice and ride it out until inheritance time. They don’t want to be told what to do, they just want to Boomer out until popping a heart attack and dying on the front porch. Maybe when the time comes they won’t have any money, but still, there’ll be something, and one day they’ll be gone and you’ll miss them, even if they were a pain. You don’t have to be the best kid in the world, but don’t cut contact. Just accept that they’re going to live their life how they want.
About 5 years ago everyone in my mother’s life cut her out, apart from me - because she’s mentally unwell. For me, I just see it as something of a care obligation. I used to think I was doing it for the money, but since then my father has just said if I get all of her inheritance (because I’m the only person who cares for her…), then he’ll just balance it out by giving my siblings more of his side of the inheritance. And, my mother is essentially just pissing hers down the drain anyway. Perhaps your parents have also fucked up financially and you just don’t know it yet. In the west we all carry a lot of financial guilt. We sit in debt for years and don’t ask for help because monetary failure is a great source of shame.
But still, just live your life. Contrary to what others in our generation think, I think there’s not much use in cutting people out (unless it’s really bad).
In the years that go by I think my siblings will all be saddled with guilt, and when my mother is near the end they’ll all say they wish they got to spend more time with her - even though they clearly didn’t - and I’ll be sitting there with first dibs on everything, a clean conscience, and a lot of built resilience. Sometimes I feel bitter like you, that this whole saga has stunted me emotionally, fucked over my 20s and so on, but I know that in the future these qualities that I’ve built up in myself will benefit plenty of other people around me too. That ok, sometimes you draw a bad hand and you just have to play it out.
All this is to say, don’t bother with bitterness, just accept it and move on. Get them some nice Christmas presents and emotionally distance yourself otherwise.