Context:
- I just found out that the student loans I’ve been saddled with for the past 19 years were completely avoidable because my parents are wealthier than they ever let on
- Something is wrong with my boomer parents—I don’t understand their relationship with money (or life in general). I think they may be seriously mentally ill
What happened
In 2014, my girlfriend and I moved into a rental home in a big city for about $1,500/month.
She later lost her job and it became unaffordable. The stress ended our relationship.
I struggled to stay in my home for the next seven years, until I finally declared bankruptcy and moved out in 2020.
I spent at least $120,000 on my rental home through those years. All down the drain. I liquidated all $30,000 of my retirement savings to try and stay afloat.
What could have been
2014 was a low point in the housing market. There were HUNDREDS of houses available in the ~$150k range, many of them nicer than the one I rented. All I needed was ~$10k for a down payment, and I could have been paying $800 for a mortgage instead of $1,500 on rent, and all of that money spent would be retained in the form of equity even if I still had to move out. It probably would have saved my relationship too (my parents complain about not having any grandkids, BTW).
What my parents say
When I mentioned this to my parents recently, they just said “we had no idea you wanted to buy a house”. NO, I JUST LOVED PAYING MONEY TO A LAND LEECH! I never even thought to ask for help with a down payment, because we were “broke”. My dad gave us grief over every dollar we spent. We never ONCE took a family vacation.
The truth
Today, my parents have $2 million in retirement savings, and no mortgage or car payments. They live in a rural area with a rock bottom cost-of-living. In 2003, they had HALF A MILLION dollars in cash, entirely separate from their retirement plans.
They will never, ever take a vacation. My dad refuses to spend money. He lets my mom control all the finances and blow money needlessly on credit card interest, because they can’t communicate.
Well, I just found out that he’s 78 and still only has $2M in the account. So my guess is that he’s been working under financial anxiety for literally his whole life and has no chance of ever breaking free from the psychology of it.
Again, $2M is enough for a couple to retire on at 65. If you’re lucky, the medical system won’t bleed your parents dry and you’ll have a modest inheritance.
He’s never psychologically recovered from the poverty he experienced in childhood. I’m sympathetic, but I wish he hadn’t unnecessarily extended that trauma to us.
The median family of retirement age has just $200k in savings.
We all wish the trauma wasn’t passed down. The response to acknowledging that it was is grief. Anger is one of the stages. Acceptance and adaptation are the final stages.