So I work for a godforsaken ambulance company, got a call out to a truely shitty nursing home for “Patient Sick”.

We get there and it’s this poor shell of a man, bed-bound, demented, and obviously septic as all fuck. He has contractions, a full catheter and doesnt respond to voice; he’s obviously been bed bound for a long time, not in the best care, and we aint getting a story out of him.

So we ask his nurse what’s going on with him, whats his medical history, ect, and she doesnt know much, says she just took over care for this patient, just got on shift but “The night nurse said he’s fartin’ out his dick”.

Whelp. I know when im being fucked with. Nope, no further questions, just gimme the transfer packet with his info. We load the guy up and wheel him to the truck, get vitals & get him an IV, take him to the nearest hospital on a sepsis alert, all routine stuff, but as we’re transporting i’m going through his packet and see this guy had gotten out of surgery for a small bowel obstruction last month. Poor fucker cant catch a break.

We get to the hospital, and we get him a bed in the ER, and i start giving the report to the ER nurse, mention he’s supposedly got a chief complaint of Dick Farts. Everyone laughs, funny joke

Two days later I’m back at the same hospital dropping off another patient to the same nurse and ask her if she heard any follow-up on the dick-fart-guy.

“Oh him, Ha, oh fuck. Yeah he was actually farting out his dick. He got transferred to the OR. You could see the little bubbles in the cath tube.”

His recent GI surgery had left a perferation that formed a tiny fistula to his bladder he had been slowly leaking gas through, and gave him a UTI that progressed to sepsis. He made it through from what i heard.